Can I call you Mr. Gentleman?

It's really interesting how things pan out in the end at work. With one supervisor and full timer terminated, it seems like we part timers are holding up half the sky now. And, with us holding up half the sky (and with his 2 good buddies at work gone) I wonder if I could safely say, that we are now closer.
I doubt if I can actually say that with certainty but for now, for this very brief period, I actually feel this way. But all this is about to change soon.

I am running out of time to make my decision- whether to join full time or not.
He leaving to join back of the house soon so I won't be seeing him much, if at all. I am sure, I will miss him. Plus if I join full time, it will change the dynamics of our relationship right?

But to quote a wise sage, " For things you can change, why worry about them? For things you can't change, what's the point of worrying about them?

I completely agree but I am STILL worrying!

And last but not least, I hate how I seem to be evolving into a green-eyed monster. I never knew I was capable of such immaturity. But at the end of the day, the hard truth is......he is not mine, and I just have to learn to accept that. It will take time, quite a bit of time. But am sure I'll get there in the end. Have faith.

Hope can be a dangerous thing

There is so much I wanted to say but really, in the end, there was nothing I could say.

我一言難盡，忍不住傷心。真的，忍不住。我不是已經想通了嗎？怎麼還感到如此的自卑。

I wanted to share the world with you, my dreams, your dreams, the future yet to be. But well, it seems that you were simply uninterested.

In my eyes, I will not see you anymore. I will, see right through you from now on because, I have no time to waste on someone who doesn't even see me..........

Job-hunting taking its toil

What is it about job-hunting that fills you with self-doubt? I can't seem to escape it. Am in fact, drowning in it. I hate to say this but I really hate job hunting, and then the process of finding out that you hate working too. What an inevitable paradox. I just wish I could be a bit more reckless and less responsible, without others frowning upon me.

It is true. My parents have provided well for me. Currently, I live with no adult worries, house loans, car loans, insurances payments etc. they don't seem to concern me. And I do not ever want them to ever be a cause of concern. But I know, am living on borrowed time. My folks are getting on with ages, and I hardly seem to be the sturdy pillar they can rely on. Maybe all these factors end up making me feel so bad about myself, every single day.

I never laughed so much since last time- Misha is a terror in the comedy department.

I have woken up my idea. Really, am not deserving of love.

What is that humiliation?

Really. To have someone proclaim with such supposed confidence that I will fall for him is simply off-putting, especially when you know lim-ming this cuppa teh will bring you nothing but diarrhea. But what i did not anticipate was the embarrassment I felt, hence my face went red. Hence the teasing and now, I just feel that i never what to do the same shift as Mr. gentleman again. None of this has anything to do with him but his supposed silence.....aloof expression....just made me feel so far apart from him.

As time goes by, i believe in letting things be. Yet, I have not mastered my emotions. It's fine if we end up being strangers from now on. I just have to learn to stop caring. right? that is the tricky part. I'll get there eventually. I always do.

So what is it now, for me?

Me. I find myself hard to define. Everyday, it seems I am a little different, yet still essentially the same. I think differently on the same subject everyday. Nice days, it has been. I love the smell of bread. It is so appealing, anytime of the day. But it is funny how I always prefer to munch on rice or noodles rather than bread. Bread to me seems like an indulging quickie - before you know it, it is gone, digested, history already forgotten.
Just like that gentleman at the bakery that I can't seem to stop thinking about. It is funny, I don't think I fancy him per se, yet, I wonder why my thoughts are filled with him. Is this how it feels to lose hope? Maybe loneliness has finally got to me. If so then I am disgusted with my easy defeat. How is it that I spent 1.5 years tuning my emotions and then have them thrown into disarray in minutes?
Still, the fact is, I have concluded, am not ready for love, and I don't think that gentleman is either. I smile when i think of him, but it is not one of adoration, but rather one of admiration - for in spite of his youth, his spirit is very wise and his heart is kind. Maybe that's why people are drawn to him.
Next week is good. The less time spent around him, the better, lest I lose my senses and disgrace myself.

The future is a mystery but what can I say, that's what I had wanted, didn't I? Let's hope the mystery is an enjoyable one. Life is just great:)

So much for maturing.

So I'm 25 this year and I thought that I learnt something when it came to relationships. But you know, funny is it seems, I think I learnt nothing. All it took was 15 minutes with you and now I can't stop thinking about you. Crap. This doesn't make sense at all considering that I know nothing about you. This has to stop, NOW, before I drive myself and others up the wall.

So am a free bird for now, career wise.

I wonder whether I have this thing for gentlemen. I mean literally - gentle-men. So it must be so, this odd attraction shall not last I hope as it is simple a waste of time right? If there is anything I have learnt -  it is that am highly unsuitable for relationships.

Letter thrown, yet...

Yet, the situation is getting more and more ridiculous.
1) I throw the letter. No, actually I placed it on her desk on Friday night. 290411
2)She sees it, reads it on Saturday morning. 300411
3) Dark clouds gather, after a while she calls me into her office for a private talk.
4) I give all sorts of reasons I want to leave, valid ones of course. But left out the main reason- I simply can't stand her.
5) She asks if it is my final decision and I say it is. She smiles and says she is ok
6) I take that ok. ACCEPTED RIGHT??????
7) A week later she tells me to make a trip to INC.
7)Night before the trip, she lefts me to think, reflect, and reconsider.
8)I return from trip. Tell her I still intend to leave on 29th. She asked if that is final. I said it is.
9) She hands my letter to HR. I was not present.
10) I know for a fact they received it. Gossipvale had a field day.

To be continued....... better go read up on mom laws.